5 Beverages You Should Never Drink

In my endless quest to come up with useless lists for my useless twists, and because this blog ostensibly has something to do with alcohol, and because I often give suggestions on what to drink, I decided to come up with a list of things not to drink. Hopefully this ridiculous waste of your time is an antidote to the seriousness of the previous post. I’ll try not to make a habit of either extreme.

5) Wine coolers

You probably won’t have to worry about this one. I don’t think they’re sold anymore, but if you happen to stumble into a time machine set to 1988, you’ll need this advice. Remember Matilda Bay? I don’t. Nothing says, “I’m putting on my Hammer pants, mounting my rice rocket, and heading down to the strip in Myrtle Beach,” quite like this stomach-turning sugar-fest.

4) Icehouse

Or any ice beer for that matter. Pay a $2 cover at your local cheese bar, order some pitchers of Icehouse, throw in a few hot wings, and get ready for a date with a higher-than-recommended dosage of Ibuprofen and a quest to find the world’s softest toilet paper.

3) Boone’s Farm

See number 5.

2) King Cobra

With close runners up: Private Stock, Olde English 800, and St. Ides. Drink a 40 of the Cobra and consider yourself bitten. Simultaneously induces an overwhelming desire to kick other people’s asses while drastically increasing the probability that other people will have an overwhelming desire to kick your ass.

1) Cisco

aka “Liquid Crack.” The makers of this evil fortified wine, who also bring us Wild Irish Rose and aggressively market this swill in impoverished neighborhoods, were forced in 1991 by the Federal Trade Commission to drop the slogan, “Takes you by surprise,” from the product. Additionally, Cisco now comes with a warning on the label: “This is not a wine cooler.”

The effects of this stuff are legendary. I was standing next to a guy who was drinking this at a bonfire party some years ago. When he started casually sipping from the bottle, he was standing there quietly minding his own business and staring thoughtfully at the fire. Without warning, he developed an uncontrollable double restless leg syndrome, dancing in place like he had fire ants crawling up his legs. After a few minutes of the fire-ants dance, he screamed like a howler monkey and walked through the fire. Repeatedly. Entertaining? Yes. Dangerous? Absolutely.

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About kimetime

Kimetime has lived some of his life in motion, some of it sedentary, all of it in hiding. Some people call him Jonny.
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12 Responses to 5 Beverages You Should Never Drink

  1. Mike says:

    Dang cuz, this makes a man thirsty! I had Hammer pants and chugged a bottle or 2 of Strawberry Hill Boone’s Farm in my day–I regret neither. I have never had Cisco but would like to try it now…your post basically dared me to drink it and try to maintain some decorum. I accept your dare, blog post, and will soon stock my fridge with Cisco. Well, just 1 bottle.

    Let me add to the list of “Things not to drink.” These were shot combinations I took in high school when clearly no better mixers were around.

    Bourbon and Milk (burp)
    Bourbon and Beans (a shot of bourbon chased by a spoonful of baked beans)

  2. kimetime says:

    MJ, I was channeling your classic wine label piece for this one, especially with number 5. Thanks for the inspiration. The baked bean chaser? Now that’s innovation. I recall someone chasing vodka with a spoonful of grape jelly at your apartment once. Thanks for the memories. Reminiscing about how stupid we were reminds me of how stupid we are.

  3. Mike says:

    Vodka and grape jelly? Awesome. I must’ve been in my room studying. We were/are stupid. But I would do a shot of vodka and jelly right now if I had the ingredients in my cubicle.

  4. kimetime says:

    Cubicle shots. You should invent a flask that looks like a stapler.

  5. Kevin says:

    Where’s truth in advertising? Cisco does take you by surprise!
    Glad you didn’t include Private Stock. Highly recommended regardless of whup ass that may result.

  6. Kevin says:

    I stand corrected. Watched Len Bias documentary on ESPN.
    Knew about the cocaine, did not know that he was also drinking Private Stock.
    Tasty, but lethal.

  7. kimetime says:

    I did not know that. What was he thinking? It’s dangerous, but I imagine cocaine could help your basketball game. However, Private Stock is clearly not a performance enhancing substance.

  8. 40ozFear says:

    My top 5 Favorite Beverages of all time…

    1. Olde English 800
    2. Private Stock
    3. Yuengling Lager
    4. Ballantine Ale
    5. King Cobra

    • kimetime says:

      An open letter to your liver.

      Dear wopalopagus’s liver:

      Your only hope is a profound and enduring faith in an afterlife full of green tea.

      All the best,
      Bourbon and Ginger

  9. Rika says:

    I loved This Post <3. Never Mix Ciscos With Smirnoff's it Gives You a tweakers sensation. You Get Super Thirsty. Its Like Being On The Ride Its a Small World, But With More Up's and Down's… lol

  10. kimetime says:

    Dear Rika,

    I am not personally familiar with that “tweaker’s sensation,” so I’ll take your word for it. Thanks for reading!

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